Month: January 2021

This has certainly been a sobering and scary week. Normally I don’t post about politics. I avoid it because I see value in everyone’s opinions most of the time. The problem is, what is happening now isn’t “normal.” I don’t even feel it is particularly partisan anymore and I will detail the reasons below. Take it or leave it, cause here we go.

This week has caused me to contemplate some aspects of the Trump presidency that I engaged with in 2017 and then sort of set aside during the marathon struggle to survive this whole thing. I am enclosing my 2017 essay (once contemplated as an op ed) as a sort of “blast from the past” about the antics of this guy just within his first year of office. It’s imperfect. Maybe even a tad hyperbolic. I gave up on publishing it previously for those reasons. Yet, as I look at this dangerous time we are navigating now, I do think it’s worth a bit of review. Forgive the imperfections and feel free to use them as a springboard to create something better.

In 2017 I was making a case that as rare and powerful as a US President is, DJ Trump is at his core a plain and simple “batterer.” I know, you’re thinking a president couldn’t be. Yet people with these tendencies are often very smart and successful. The myth of the knuckle-dragging cave guy doesn’t serve us here. Nor do excuses about his sanity, intelligence, age, or anything similar. He got to the highest echelons of power by being very, very competent at the tactics he likes to use.

Batterer is shorthand for someone that uses coercive control up to and including physical assault. It is not all about physicality, however. Economic control can be battery. Psychological abuse and put-downs can be battery. Battery is like a jackhammer on someone else’s soul. Violent. Exhausting. Unrelenting.

Hang in there for my thought experiment and see what you think. Like typical batterers, Trump has included as many others of his type within his close circle of enablers. While the victims of batterers are often painted as “enablers” and “codependent,” I would argue that the true enablers are the crew these folks pack around them in an echo-chamber that reinforces their sense of entitlement. It also includes the bystanders who often unintentionally let a batterer pass day by day. Coworkers, family, friends, police, judges, ministers (Attorneys General, Chiefs of Staff)…basically all of us whenever we drop our guards and fall prey to the batterer’s enchantments. Anyhow, I go into the whole kitchen sink of why I formed this opinion of Trump. Yet, I am blogging it now for a different and rather dire reason.

Now that we have legally elected a new President and Trump is being shown the door, we are well within the hurt locker of the most dangerous time victims of coercive control face. This is the time when we leave them. Show them the door. Get our protective orders, family matters, security systems. When we set limits with them that they just don’t like. About 75% of domestic violence murders occur when victims try to leave. Right now, we are leaving President 45. He and his crew of enablers seem to be ready to do just about anything up to and including murdering capitol police to put us back in our places. As police know, showing up at a DV assault is one of their most dangerous calls.

Though the batterer analogy holds true for many aspects of despotism, it doesn’t travel all the way. It takes a bit more sociological (maybe anthropological) analysis to figure out how “leaders of men” can weaponize other people toward their own coercive-controlling goals. Yet it seems pretty clear that Trump and some of his powerful political colleagues have been able to do just that.

These rioters showed up at the congress carrying pipe bombs, assault rifles and zip ties under their MAGA swag. It doesn’t surprise me that the individual batterer Donald J Trump tried to break back into a house he’d just been asked to leave. What’s very worrying is that, as President, he is able to harness despotism and send in swarms of batterers of every flavor. Some are there just to spit, call names and yell. Some are there to break some shit and try to destroy or steal items of sentimental or fiduciary value. Some are there to assault. Some are there to kill.

Let’s be super clear. This wasn’t about flag waving and rhetoric. It wasn’t even about Republicans versus Democrats, though that was happening too. These seditionist thugs built a gallows on the capitol grounds, chanting “Hang Pence!” They were threatening to hang Republican VP Pence and who knows who else, if they could get hands on them. Functioning pipe bombs, assault rifles, and batches of homemade napalm were recovered on their persons and in their vehicles. Active bombs were planted at the DNC and RNC headquarters with equal malice.

These seditionists wanted to end both political parties and simply party with Trump. Heaven only knows how many would be dead if the capital police hadn’t at least slowed them down. One paid with his life and many more cops were badly beaten with crude weapons like metal pipes. Horrible, right? Yet even after this, the offenders were allowed to leave the crime scene unhindered.

Here, the discomfort our culture has with holding batterers accountable rebounds upon all of us. When robed clergy and disabled protesters were zip-tied, often carried out of that same capitol building for peaceful protests during the Trump era, these guys were escorted from the building with no apparent effort made to so much as glance at or document their IDs. What do they learn from this? Keep going. It didn’t help that Trump released a statement telling them, “We love you. You’re very special,” before all the rioters were even cleared from capitol grounds and the congress members liberated. Before the injured were even fully treated. Perhaps even before capitol cop Brian D. Sicknick was even carried forth to later die of his wounds, allegedly from being beaten with a fire extinguisher. Those who were interviewed by brave reporters near the riot expressed clear intent to do just that. Keep going. “This is only the beginning,” some proudly declared.

“Go cool off, buddy.” How many more may pay since these offenders were allowed to leave the scene without even being documented…perhaps free to wander back onto the grounds during an event like the upcoming inauguration? With batterers and bystanders, our mercies and forbearances towards them always have unintended consequences for ourselves and/or others.

As I elaborate below, taking away the entitlement of very entitled people makes them feel like they are being attacked. Like a cornered animal they go on offense under the true assumption that it’s defense. As some of the most dangerous batterers say, Trump and his red hats are clearly telegraphing that, “If I can’t have you American Democracy, no one will.”

As I reviewed this old essay and contemplated posting it, I saw this list of Trump’s offenses against our country and us and was somewhat shocked by how much I had already forgotten. Like survivors of battering abuse, we all may lose sight of the forest for the trees. Just surviving has been hard enough. All the minutia of daily oppression and cruelty just fades away into absence. It’s like reading a four year old protective order and thinking, “Shit. I forgot it was that bad.”

It’s that bad.

And, as we pick our way through the very lethal period of attempting to leave him…to place hard boundaries and real accountability onto a creature used to total entitlement, we have to heighten our survival skills. His acts of violence cannot be brushed off or colluded with. They will get worse. His tactics of abuse must be mitigated by the largest coalition of allies that is possible. Coercive control even against one individual victim is complex and difficult to end.

I am not quite sure how we as a country and even as a globe get ourselves out of this. Batterers are smart and adaptive in equal measure to their greed for power. Worse still is the particular factor of despotism in this case. As one Trump seditionist said to the press, “We’ll be back.”

I doubt that removing him from office will be sufficient at this point. Certainly, doing nothing and making this an argument about partisanship will be worse than doing nothing. In my opinion if we were to apply the lessons of the “normal” individual batterer, they should employ the 25th ammendment and/or impeach immediately. Yesterday. It doesn’t matter how well it works. The point is send the message that our society views his behavior as unacceptable. We’re already way behind the eight ball on this as politicians obfuscate and rioters celebrate their victories. I mean, really, people?! Just banning him from twitter ain’t gonna do it.

Leaning on the experience of domestic abuse survivors, however, I would suggest the following: Look for and lean on allies. Survivors can never be left alone to deal with abuse alone. That’s what batterers are counting on. We need coalition-building, truth-telling, and accountability at least attempted through every tool we have at our disposal. Most definitely including laws written especially for the purpose.

Communicate cautiously. Keep your head on the swivel. Brainstorm safety measures one day at a time, in the face of the offender’s equally-evolving tactics. Resist the urge to try and fix/help/excuse him/them. Even when people you respect tell you to try it. Not right now. Too dangerous. Accountability is not divisive. It’s critical. This is the time for accountability and setting limits. Not as one person. As a collective. Give him/them an inch and he/they will take the nation.

Whew! I think I’m out of steam. Just in case you don’t make it through my essay, I will add a bit of encouragement at this point. Those of us who work closely with survivors know the power and strength of resiliency. There is hope there. Especially when we all band together to do what is good instead of what is evil.

There are tools for our future. There are truth and reconciliation processes (especially important for the racism, nationalism and heterosexism aspects of this crisis), peaceful communication models, and innumerable religious resources from a diverse community of good people who are ready, willing, and able to help one another get through this. As Episcopal Bishop Rev. Michael Curry has said, “Love your neighbor,” and “we the people can perfect this union.” Or, as Republican Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse suggests, go out and shovel your neighbor’s driveway. As he said from the Senate floor immediately after the riot, “America can’t do big things if we hate our neighbors.” We can work to mend divisions even as we assure safety and accountability. They are tandem processes, and any false-choice rhetoric is, I would argue, “enabling” of batterers and also nakedly disingenuous.

As a preacher’s kid and an M.Div. myself, I feel I have to drop a little biblical encouragement. Feel free to replace it with something similar that appeals to you, of course, but this is one of my faves and I hope it helps some of you. Philippians Chapter 4 (NRSV):

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. ⁵ Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹ Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.

What follows is my 2017 essay. As you look at what Trump accomplished in just the first year in office, it’s truly a wonder we’ve all lasted this long. Especially those who are more targeted by his enablers and himself due to race, religion, income, gender, sexuality, and innumerable other factors. As we enter this very dangerous period dealing with our coercive controller, let’s pay very close attention, follow our intuition, point out as well as lean upon one another’s strengths, and stick together.

Controller in Chief (2017)

I have worked at a domestic violence prevention program for several years. In that time, I have heard a lot of experiences. I have shed a few tears, made a lot of plans, and done a lot of analysis on this form of abuse.

Ever since the election of Donald J. Trump and his band of proxies, whom I think of as “Trumpets,” I’ve watched in horror as the United States has turned into what basically amounts to one big, abusive household.

Think about it. We know when our abuser is in bed, eating fast food and watching TV. We monitor his social media and whatever news sources we trust to gauge his moods. We whisper and cringe when he threatens brute force like mass deportations, government shut-downs, or nuclear war.

Trump and some of the Trumpets do have actual allegations of domestic abuse and sexual assault in their pasts. Yet, we don’t need to drag individual women through a debate on their claims. All we need to do is analyze how the administration uses controlling abuse tactics on all of us.

The Controller in Chief gets what he wants because he wants to be the center of our world, and he is. Love him or loathe him, we obsess over him. We must, to feel safe. We read him. We please him. We try in vain to get ahead of him. Still, we aren’t safe. We cannot control him. He’s the Controller in Chief.

Like all good abusers, ours is especially skilled at playing favorites. Those in his good graces scramble to stay there—all too happy to throw some unfortunate rival under the bus. Our squabbling makes us even easier to control. We’re doing his work for him while he pounds milkshakes and concocts fake news awards.

The Controller in Chief can deftly shed accountability. He is called hapless, incompetent, mentally ill, senile and childish in turns as we all tie ourselves in knots, trying to understand what’s wrong and how on earth we can stop it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have come to believe that Donald J. Trump rose to his powerful position through extreme competence. He is the reigning champ at leveraging interpersonal control.  

This stuff isn’t just about women, but women happen to know a lot about it. Violence against women, like battery and sexual assault, isn’t a “women’s issue.” When I do community education about this type of control (we tend to call it coercive control), I tell folks that the “male privilege” component only applies if it applies. Men are definitely victims, of women and very often of other men. Yet, in the case of Donald Trump, male privilege definitely applies. It appears to be at least in the top three of his favorite types of oppression and predation. Therefore, for the purposes of this essay, I am going to discuss his sexism in the context of domestic violence that is perpetrated male over female. It definitely isn’t the only type of coercive controlling violence the Trumpets employ.

Even violence against an individual woman is more than “violence against women.” The abuse affects her kids, her family, her coworkers, etc. And, yes, violence against women goes beyond gender. It clearly hurts both males and females by robbing the culture of contributions by women and girls. It also robs men and boys of healthy, nurturing relationships or full self-expression. Additionally, sexism is inherently connected to homophobia and transphobia. When it’s only okay to be one gender, then no one can express another identity without oppression and risk.

The silencing, harming or killing of women robs our whole culture of the wisdom they might have shared. We could certainly use some experienced advice about dealing with our Controller in Chief.

Hopefully, with the surge of movements like #MeToo, we will get more of this benefit. In the meantime, I feel compelled as a woman, a survivor, and a professional advocate to share what I’ve learned. I’ll approach this by doing what advocates often do when we first begin talking to an abused woman. We go over some common tactics of interpersonal, coercive control. This is our way of showing individual women that they aren’t alone.

Though abusive partners are all individuals, they behave in some common ways. They believe due to cultural messages and personal experience that controlling tactics of domination are the best way to gain power.

Power is what makes them feel safe. They feel entitled to it. They feel victimized if someone hinders them in seeking it. Understanding and unpacking this helps us to figure out how we can respond. I’m thinking our country can use a little of this analysis right now.

I define these tactics as advocates usually do. Below that, I add some examples we have experienced in the past year living with our Controller in Chief. I include both his own acts and those of his proxies. Thanks to him, they are national and even geopolitical to an extent that, though inherent in a patriarchy, may be unprecedented.

Harass and Threaten: Not taking “no” for an answer. Using manipulation, nagging, threatening behaviors to achieve compliance from others. Using privilege (age, race, gender, income, etc.) to force compliance.

• Threats to heap “fire and fury” (bombs, including nuclear ones) on nations.
• Threats to remove funding for individuals, communities, or nations that are crucial for basic survival essentials like food, water, electricity, medical care (Sanctuary cities, Palestine, etc.).
• Threatening to sue women who allege sexual harassment or assault.
• Threatening to deport people.
• Threats to sue reporters and authors.
• Threats to fire people.
• Threats to lock people up.
• Demands for what amounts to a “loyalty pledge.”
• Innumerable acts to harass the Q+ (LGBT) community, including to ban transgender service people from the military.

Intimidation: Very similar to the concepts of coercion and threat, intimidation tends to add some element of physicality. The abuser uses body language, proximity, etc. to enhance the believability of threats. Intimidation may include breaking objects, stalking, abusing pets, moving as if to strike out and then not doing it, etc.

• Using body language, physical proximity, looks/acts/gestures to intimidate opponents at a meeting or debate.
• Making and/or distributing videos showing violent assaults (real or staged) at a wrestling match or on the street.
• Offering to pay the legal fees for followers who might assault a dissenter or the press at a rally.
• Inciting proxies to the use of intimidation (like standing in front of polling stations to intimidate voters who are suspected of supporting opponents).

Emotional abuse: Name calling, outing, gossiping, and other behaviors designed to break down the self-esteem of a victim. By destroying self-esteem, an abuser seeks to destroy the sense in a victim that s/he has a right or a reason to resist. Emotional abuse can also enhance isolation when victims are embarrassed to reach out, or community members believe the gossip and shun them. Emotional abuse might include:

• Calling names at people who challenge them, such as Crooked Hillary, Little Marco, Lyin’ Ted, Empty Barrel, Pocahontas, Little Rocket Man, Nervous Nancy, Sleepy Jo, and on and on.
• Insinuating that a woman opponent is menstruating or otherwise “bleeding,” and that women’s blood or bodily functions are in and of themselves a source of shame.
• Insulting the appearance of sexual assault victims, suggesting individuals not be victims because they are allegedly undesirable.
• Calling someone’s home or community a “shithole.”
• Calling all members of an ethnic group “lazy,” “terrorists,” or “rapists.”
• Alleging unprovable crimes or scandals against an opponent to malign their reputation (President Obama wasn’t a US citizen, President Obama illegally wiretapped his opponent, Hillary Clinton exposed state secrets, broke campaign donation rules, etc.).
• Saying that prisoners of war and military service people killed in action are “losers.”

Isolation: Restricting access to resources and relationships. People are easier to control when they are kept isolated. This can mean physical isolation, like being locked in a room or being kept in a remote area with no access to transportation or a phone. It is hard to push back against the control tactics of an abuser without any help. Lack of feedback from allies can also leave victims of abuse doubting their own thoughts or their own take on reality in the face of an abuser’s constant lying and denying. Abusers want to be the only voice in their victim’s head. In other words, they want to control the narrative. Isolation might be:

• Cutting people off from basic needs after a catastrophic storm (especially when they live on an island).
• Manipulating or censoring media to limit communication and distort information.
• Building walls.
• Banning entry to the country of certain people based on race or religion, even if they’ve been living here and had only been traveling abroad.
• Ignoring or disabling infrastructure (roads, bridges, mass transportation).

Minimizing, denying and blaming: “Why don’t you have a sense of humor?” “It didn’t happen that way.” “You’re the one who started it!”

These are core tools that controlling people use to avoid accountability. Theoretically, the abusive person doesn’t need to change because nothing is their fault. Through these skills, they can cultivate their persona of helplessness and haplessness. This is often confused with childishness. When the most in control, they seem “out of control.” Their victims often feel the need to caretake them.

With Trump and the Trumpets, this tactic might include their skill at deflecting attention from their abuse tactics at key moments. It includes lying. Abused women sometimes call this tactical lying a “crazy-making” behavior. The lies can be about such finite and ridiculous things, their victims and concerned bystanders are left scratching their heads. What could the motivation be? The answer is—control. This type of lying is a powerful control tactic. It is an act of domination. The abuser is saying that it doesn’t matter how big or how small the issue is—what he says goes. He literally gets to define reality, like a god. It doesn’t matter what reality is. We all have to wait and listen for his take on it before we can make our plans and proceed. Yet again, the controller, through the use of lying, becomes the thermostat in the room.

The term “gas lighting” comes from this type of coercive control. It stems from a Victorian era play that became an Academy Award nominated film by the same name. In the story, a homicidal gold-digger marries a rich heiress, then slowly seeks to drive her crazy so he’ll have an easy story for her sudden tragic death whenever he finally finds the treasure he thinks she’s got hidden somewhere. In the story, messing with the (gas) lights in their Victorian home and then telling her he didn’t touch them is one of his many creepy tactics. Hence, the name. Nothing is too small or insignificant when you are trying to deny your victim’s reality. In fact, the devil is literally in those details.

Minimizing, denying and blaming could also be called deflecting, obfuscating and misdirecting. Personally, I’m not buying that he’s a “very stable genius.” But, if our Controller in Chief has a superpower, skill with these tactics might be it. 

Due to their complexity, I felt the need to break the categories up:

Minimizing: Making light of abusive acts. For instance:

• Lying in over 2000 documented cases as of January 2018 about matters large and small.
• Saying that sanctions against Russia aren’t necessary.
• Saying that legislative protections of the Special Prosecutor are also unnecessary.
• Saying Russian interference is overblown or may not have happened at all and could instead have been perpetrated by “some 400-pound guy in a bed.”
• Saying women who accuse them of sexual assault or harassment are liars and probably only out for a payday.
• Saying the storm Maria in Puerto Rico was nothing compared to Katrina in Louisiana.
• Calling the members of racist, sexist hate groups “very fine people” and saying their acts of violence are the fault of “both sides/many sides.”
• Update: suggesting that to hold Trump in any way accountable for the actions of his followers who attacked the capitol January 2021 would be needlessly unforgiving and divisive.

Denying: Saying something didn’t happen at all. For instance:

• I repeat—lying in over 2000 documented cases as of January 2018 about matters large and small.
• Calling any journalism that doesn’t serve their purposes “fake.”
• Calling the content of the “Billy Bush” tape mere “locker room talk” (a minimization), but later claiming this documentation was faked (a denial).
• Denying statements made both on and off camera, such as calling other countries “shitholes” or expressing a repetitive pattern of kissing women without permission.

Blaming: Shifting responsibility for controlling/abusive acts. For instance:

• Saying the previous administration caused any problem that is being manifested now (immigration issues, environmental concerns, infrastructure decay, unemployment, etc.).
• Issuing vague memos full of innuendo meant to attack the integrity of federal investigators.
• Saying that opponents (Democrats) cause shutdowns, refuse to pay the military, refuse to act on DACA or CHIP, etc.
• Calling investigations into his/their own possible criminal acts (like money laundering and obstruction of justice) “Witch Hunts.”
• Saying (African) American soldiers killed in the line of duty “knew what they were getting into.”
• Saying he/they lost the popular election due to illegal voting (mostly by immigrants). (remember, this was 2017 and being said about the 2016 election!)

Using children: The use of children in the Power and Control Wheel specifically refers to the use of vulnerable members of the family as pawns or, I might say, “hostages.”  It typically includes threats to harm children, threats to take sole custody of children, or perpetrating direct abuse of children.

Despite this traditional emphasis on custody and parenting, this tactic can still play out in culture wars and in politics by:

• Withholding funds for the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP).
• Withholding legal protections for those formerly covered by the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA).
• Using women’s reproductive rights and as a wedge issue in other pieces of legislation, and as a “dog whistle” to rally sexist Trumpets into their base of support.
• Update since this was written: Separating refugee children from their parents at the US Border and interning them and/or moving the children into undisclosed placements all over the US (never even seeking to reunify in over 600 cases as of 2020).
• Additionally, sterilizing women in these US internment camps without their understanding or consent.
• Deporting US immigrant parents while leaving their US born children behind.

Using male privilege: This isn’t simply about a case where the abuser can say, “I’m a man and you’re a woman.” Use of male privilege can be subtler since we all live in what remains a cultural patriarchy. Yet, in the Trump administration, numerous examples of the good ole’ boy form of sexism abound, including:

• Calling women who run for office “nasty.”
• Shaming women for bodily processes such as menstruation.
• calling women out individually based on age, intelligence or appearance to intimidate them into silence/compliance.
• Grabbing, kissing, restraining, assaulting, verbally humiliating women and saying that, “when you’re a celebrity they just let you do it.” 
• Calling out these women in national media if they resist, threatening to sue them, etc.
• Cultivating the culture of male privilege by attacking women’s reproductive autonomy.
• Creating a dangerous cultural environment for girls and women by encouraging and protecting other sexual harassers and predators.
• Exploiting the voices of women and girls who feel convinced or compelled to support patriarchy.
• Saying that men who sexually abuse underage girls “just like them (female sex objects) pure.”
• Engaging in the trafficking of girls and women for sex (see J Epstein).

Economic abuse: Controlling someone’s decisions and actions by blocking their access to money and other similar resources. Economic abuse typically includes controlling the victim’s ability to pay for housing, food, medicine, transportation, etc. If the victim wants access to these resources, s/he  must comply with the abuser’s wishes. Tactics include:

• Threats to remove funding for safety-enhancing programs such as police equipment, traffic lights, etc. in sanctuary cities.
• Enacting a tax bill that shifts wealth from poor to rich.
• Removing health benefits.
• Eroding or de-funding “safety net” entities like rural hospitals, substance abuse, sexual/domestic violence programs, TANF, homeless shelters, immigrant resettlement programs, etc.
• Removing consumer protections to serve the interests of banks and other corporations.
• Firing individuals for not taking a “loyalty pledge,” sometimes days before they qualify for retirement benefits.

Assault: This could include hitting, pushing, restraining, biting, scratching, burning, sexually assaulting, attacks with weapons. Physical and sexual assault often occur when the other roster of tactics are no longer as effective. Remember that these more easily criminalized, less socially-accepted behaviors hold more risk for the abuser. Most, therefore, know that these tactics should be used sparingly. Actual assaults might be comparable to punctuation marks over the course of a running relationship story. They tend to be used only when they are needed to make it clear to victims that the other tactics should be obeyed. They include:

• Attacking opponents or encouraging proxies to do so (update: as in the case of the capitol invasion of 2021).
• Physical assault, sexual assault, murder (like mowing down counter-protesters at demonstrations).
• Deploying unidentified federal “troops” in unmarked cars to arrest, interrogate, sometimes assault citizens engaged in permitted protests.
• Update: Tear-gassing peaceful demonstrators in order to dangle a Bible upside down near a church recently vandalized, allegedly by his own proxies.
• Missile strikes.
• Military or police action (such as urging police, “Please don’t be too nice” when making arrests).
• Grabbing women by the genitals.
• Pinning women against walls and kissing them without consent.
• Groping women’s bodies without consent.

The first time that survivors come into a domestic violence prevention program and talk about these patterns, they are often overwhelmed to see this reflection of what they thought was just their own isolated reality. You may feel that way, too. It’s also normal to get angry. What are we supposed to do?

Just saying “no, stop” to a controlling abuser doesn’t help much. In fact, it often makes things worse as the abuser feels the need to double down. If we had been really listening to the voices of survivors, our culture would already know this.

Loosening the hold of an abuser takes help. It takes support. It takes a society that not only creates but maintains checks and balances to push back against coercion and violence. Resistance is multi-faceted and it’s not a one-time thing. 

Perhaps one thing we can do as a culture is listen to the voices of survivors. This has started with #MeToo and Time’s Up. I think we might listen a little bit differently now that we understand that we are in an abusive relationship too. When you pour poison into a stream, it poisons the whole landscape. Controlling abuse does the same thing to a society. We’re all dealing with the Controller in Chief, whether we voted him into office or not.

Listening to survivors may help us understand that we are experiencing a deliberate assault, that we are not alone, and that there are ways to take back at least some control over our lives. With information and teamwork, we can improve both our own lives and the lives of those depending on us. I realize that this type of power and control analysis is not the only thing we need. I do think it’s an important piece of the puzzle, and that this piece is largely missing.

Tired of watching the morning news to see if it’s a good day or a bad one? Are you feeling crazy—questioning your own reality as you’re inundated with multiple conflicting versions of every single event? Been called lazy lately? A criminal? Nasty?

It’s toxic and exhausting, no doubt. At least, you know you aren’t alone. To survive this dangerous and gaslighting relationship with Trump and the Trumpets, we’re going to need a lot less “hail to the Chief” and a lot more “time’s up.”

*Material about power and control is taken from personal and professional experience, as well as The Power and Control Wheel developed by Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs.

---

For anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) now.